I feel like crying

I just can't explain it lately. I'm out of it. I don't want anything to do with Christmas this year. Usually my favorite holiday. I have a head cold. I have no money. I went shopping last weekend with Husband, and we got a lot of shopping done. But looking forward to this weekend, I have to take the kids to see Santa and buy a picture ($), get the usual ornaments I get every year ($, $). Buy something for my step-mom ($), something else for my sister ($). Something for Husband ($$$), pay for daycare ($). Maybe have some $$ left over to buy lunch next week and already I'm -$$$$$$$$$. Husband has money and if I ask, I'm sure he'll give me some to finish up the shopping. But I hate the feeling of not having my own money. It's like asking Dad for my allowance. I work hard all week long to help support our family and at the end of the week, I have almost NOTHING left to show for it. I hate it. I hate feeling like a deadbeat. I hate feeling like I don't contribute. I'm behind on a bunch of bills because my daycare amount doubled. No matter what I do I feel like I can't dig out of the hole I'm in and it only makes it worse because I feel like such a bad mom. I hate that I'm not excited for the Princess' first Christmas. I hate that I haven't sent out Christmas cards, or started/finished the photo book I wanted to give for Christmas. I hate that even if I was done with the book, I couldn't afford to order it anyways. I hate that I have a bunch of Thank you's to mail, but can't afford the postage. You might wonder why I don't just ask Husband for money, because. Because he spends his money on more important things, like the house payment and the water bill and the gas and electric. I can't barely even afford to buy any groceries and now I should ask him for money to buy stamps???? I just hate it.

I hate that I'm not a big fan of Husbands lately either. I hate that he doesn't want to touch me unless it's for sex. He doesn't want to talk to me unless it's to know what's for dinner. Yet he wants to pretend everything is okay. I hate that he spent time this morning kissing Princess, but ignored me. I hate it. I want to cry. And what I really hate is the fact that I'm at work and want to cry. Not in front of the boss.... I just HATE IT.

Head Colds are for the Birds

I hate being sick. I hate even more when you sound sick but feel okay. I have a head cold. My nose is stuffed up, yet is runny. I sound like I should be near death. I'm tired and want to lay down. But I actually feel pretty ok. I've been on the phone this morning and everyone tells me I sound terrible. I also have a stupid pathetic cough that sounds like I'm faking it. I'm a mouth breather now too, because of the stuffed up nose.

This weekend, we had Weo come over to our house. Friday night we took the monkey's to my Dad's house. Then we picked them up, +1 (Weo) and went back to our house. KM and Weo played and played and played somemore. They are "best friends". Or as Weo likes to say it sometimes, "KM we're Best My Friend." The tore the house apart, then picked it up (Ok I made them pick it up). Then the tore it apart again. They made forts, and played CARS, they watched the movie, they watched Sponge Bob and The Fairly Odd Parents. They were up until almost 11. I know, I know I should have made them go to bed, but I had them snuggled in on the couch at about 8.30 or 9 with all the lights off and I thought they would just go to sleep. I thought wrong. Sunday they were both super helpful. They both wanted to feed the Princess. They took turns holding her bottle. Then we packed them all up and headed East to Grandpa and Grandma's.

We dropped them off and Husband and I went to each lunch. After lunch we decided it was maybe time to get on the Christmas shopping. You know since we hadn't started yet and it is only 11 days until Christmas. So we hit Costco, Target and Office Max. We walked in to Office Max at 36 degrees F, and 15 minutes later walked out to 22 degrees F, and an iced over parking lot. We decided it was time to go home. Especially since we'd have to put our kids in the truck and drive with all the other crazies on slippery roads.

We got home and unpacked, ate dinner and I was out cold (ha ha get it) by 8.30. This head cold is kicking my butt. I have ZERO energy for anything besides surviving. It's all I can do to get out of bed in the middle of the night to feed the Princess.

I'm hoping it goes away soon. I'm gonna need all my reserves to make thru Christmas. I am so far behind and have NO Christmas spirit this year. Which makes me feel even worse, because it's the Princess' first Christmas and I want it to be special. I need to kick it in gear.

Hair Pie

Our neighbor came over last night to watch the Bears game. He's a Vikes fan, but didn't get the channel the Bears were on last night, and last nights game had implications on whether the Vikes could clinch the division. So anyways, after we dove in to the beer, for the second time this week, I didn't get to bed until after 2 am. But in reminising of old times, we were telling stories, and our neighbor has a memory of an elephant. He can remember everything -- be careful what you do. He won't let you forget it.

But we were talking about when Husband and I were building our first house. Husband was doing a lot of work on it, including being the job supervisor. We were out at the house after a horrible rain. It had rained like 10 ft in 10 minutes. Husband was walking around in the basement and trying to decide if we could pour the basement floor. I said NO that it was too wet. He said, I'm going down there to see, it can't be that wet. So as he's walking around in his NEW shoes in our wet clay basement, with a layer of sand over it, he decides that it's not that bad and we should probably pour. He goes over to the one corner to check it out and his one foot sinks in! So he tries to step with the other one to get out, and THAT ONE SINKS IN TOO!! He yells to me to help him, and I go running, what he thinks is for a shovel. Instead I come back with my camera and nothing else. He was completely stuck there, up to his knees, both feet. Between the sand, and the clay and the wet, he was completely sucked down -- NO ESCAPING. And while he was sitting there, literally stuck in the mud, I snapped a few pictures and finally after Husband had had about all the embarrasment he could take he said "Fuck it then, give me a cigarette!" So he sat down in the mud and we smoked and laughed. I had to throw out about a 100 or so I Told You So's, because I was right about it being too wet to pour.

Then after I made him sit there for quite some time, I handed him a shovel, and watched as he tried to dig himself out. That was almost funnier. Imagine, trying to dig yourself out with out taking off a knee cap or two. He got 2 scoops out and knew it wasn't going to work he handed me one end of the shovel and I pulled him to freedom. I had forgotten about all of this until the neighbor reminded is. He didn't even live there at the time. Our house was the first one on our street. I really need to find those pictures.

As it got later in to the evening/morning Neighbor started talking about Family Guy. We don't watch this show. We can't quite get the humor, and we have small children who pick up on EVERYTHING! So we watched a few clips online, I had the laptop out and was playing online. {Side note: As we sit around and drink beer and watch football, or just bullshit, I'm usually on the computer checking blogs. So as the boys talk about things, I Google them and give answers. For example, a few weekends ago they were taking about why John Madden doesn't fly. They didn't aske me to look it up. I hit Wikipedia and all of a sudden I was like, OK here's why he doesn't fly. This happened several times last night. Suddenly, I just have the answer to all of lifes questions. They find very good humor in it. It could be 5 topics later they are talking about and I'm back at why John Madden doesn't fly. That answer can be found here.} We watched the clip of when Meg makes a pie for Brian and she puts her own hair in it. It's so gross and so funny. I might have to give the show another chance.

After much laughter, I decided it was well past my bedtime on a school night and hurried off to bed. Should be an interesting night, we are suppose to go and see Hairband with them. I can't wait!

Shh Don't Talk About It

Last night Husband and I had some beers with our neighbor. He came over to help Husband install the plow on the Ranger. It was 1.30am before we went to bed. I don't even know where to start this. Husband all of a sudden, gets really weird and starts talking about how we never have sex unless he initiates it, that I never come on to him, how he feels like the hired hand. He said he's done trying. He'll still go to work and provide for the family, but he's done trying to be a husband. It's interesting too, how out of no where he brings this up. He doesn't stop talking long enough for our neighbor to ask him any questions, and he talks about me like I'm not even there, even though I was sitting less than 2 ft from him. I didn't say anything, because 1) he doesn't listen when I try to talk. Especially when he gets in martyr mode. 2) he doesn't really care what I have to say. He knows that he has it so rough, and he works so hard. I'm not saying he doesn't work hard, but SO DO I! He is the only one who deserves some time off, or time away. The reason I don't initiate sex with him is because that is the ONLY time he every even touches me is when he wants sex. He will never hold my hand, doesn't really sit by me on the couch, doesn't EVER touch me, until it's time for sex. Kind of makes me feel like I'm not good enough other wise. I try to explain to him that I don't like the way I look since having 2 kids, and that I'm self conscience. He tells me you look fine, so what, but then on the other hand never pays any attention to me. Which makes me think that he's also unhappy with how I look, but just won't say it. It's hard to want to be intimate with him when he could really care less about me. It's just so frustrating. And OH MY GOD if we try to talk about anything, he won't. He will either talk about it for a minute then ignore anything I have to say because only he is allowed to feel used, or he'll get angry and walk away so we never talk about anything. He'll never hear me out, hear my feelings, hear what it is that I have to say about anything. Sometimes, I feel like the damn nanny, more than a wife, but do I complain about it, NO, I try to be a better mom and wife, and realize it's just one day. Tomorrow will probably be better. I don't sit around and sulk about it. All I want is for him to realize that he's not the only one in the family and that some times I get frustrated too, and know what THAT'S OKAY. I'm allowed to be frustrated. So I guess for now, we'll sweep it under the rug once again and not talk about it. I'm tired of trying too, but DAMN IT we married for better, for worse, and sometimes we need to stick together to get through shit. Today, I feel like I'm going it alone.

Already

Already, I've fallen off my 'I'm blogging everyday.' But it's with good reason. I was sick yesterday. Very sick. I wanted to puke all day. But luck for me, I didn't. Thankfully Amma came over and watched the kids while Husband and I were out of commision. There were 6 kids out sick at daycare this week. So far KM hasn't been hit. The Princess threw up a few times but over all, she's doing pretty good. So now I'm back and am really making an effort at this.

Have a great night.

100

This my 100th post. Not bad for nearly 2 and half years of blogging. I'm right on top of this. So in honor of 100 posts I'm going to post... well I don't know. It should be something good. I didn't even know this was coming up. I just happened to notice today when I logged in. So I'm totally unprepared. I kind of feel like when you're up for an award, and you don't make a speech because you know you won't win, AND THEN YOU WIN. Well it's really nothing like that, but exactly like that -- UNPREPARED. And if I were a dedicated blogger and had an actual reader, I'd probably ask that person what I should write about.

I guess in the mean time I have hit my goal of blogging every day. FOR 3 DAYS STRAIGHT!!!!

100, 100, 100 -- when I think of 100 it actually makes me think of counting and counting makes me think of the vision I have in my head of the way numbers count. This doesn't make sense until I explain it. When I start counting I count 1, 2, 3 -- but I have a picture in my head that goes with it. 1 at the bottom, then 2 on top, then 3. When I get to 10 the numbers then go from right to left, counting over to 20 then they go up again from 21 - 29, then 30 is next to 20, on it's right side of course. This is totally messed up, when I count, there is a very specific picture in my head. I'm going to draw a picture then upload so you can see in to the mind of a crazy. It's up there at the top, because I can't get it to go down here where I want it.

I don't know why (she swallowed the fly, perhaps she die...Can you say ADD ), but I've always saw this picture in my head since I can remember and that's just how numbers look when you count them. THE END.

Feeling Left Out

This morning King Monkey woke up and told me about the dream he had. He said that we had went to the neighbors to give him the wooden ladder and he was sad because we wouldn't let him come with us. I told him it was just a dream and that if we went to the neighbors we would let him come with. He said "Thank you mommy."

The night before he had a similar dream, and I don't remember what it was about, but he was feeling left out in that one too. I guess we need to spend a bit more time with him, alone, just him. I thought we had been spending a fair amount of time with him. I thought we were doing things with him alone. I thought we were not ignoring him. I thought we were making a point of treating him special. I guess it's not enough. We need to bring our A game to parenting.

We took the kids and Amma to a waterpark last weekend for Thanksgiving. We spent the whole weekend with him. We played in the water. We sat in the hot tub. Only after he went to bed, or was down for watching cartoons, did Husband and I go and do something else.

I love that he is old enough and smart enough to tell us what he needs. To tell us "hey fuckers, member me? I love you too." He doesn't just pitch bucky fits, he tells us what's wrong. He talks to us. And I can always tell when he needs more love, because he asks to sit on my lap. Or he'll say in a very sad voice, "I love you."

I guess he needs more mom and dad time. I think we'll spend this weekend decorating for Christmas and putting up the tree. I'll try to make some memories, good ones instead of bad dreams.

If I could get my crap together I could have a new career..

Yesterday I was reading blogs at home and Husband was looking over my shoulder asking me about blogs. I told him that Dooce supports her family with her blog. He told me to get a blog, I said I have one. He said why don't you support us with it. I told him I would if I had time to write. He said if you make money with it, you can stay at home and write. Whoo Hoo! However, I can't just quit my job to stay at home and write, especially since I am making a total of $0 dollars and $0.00 cents with this blog at the moment. So in a effort to get what I really want (to stay at home with the kids and get paid for it) I am making an honest effort to start writing here more often. I'll make it my new years resolution, but if I start it now, maybe by January 1st I'll already be in the habit and there will be less pressure to do it everyday since I'll already be doing it every day. Follow that? Good, glad we had this talk.

Plus, the powers that be at my current job are changing a few things and it all has to do with the economy and because of those changes, I will actually probably have to pay in at the end of the week just to work where I'm at. It sucks, and I would rather it be different, but things are the way they are so now it's time for me to make some changes for the betterment of my own family.

Here goes!